Ode to the Rocking Horse Commode (with thanks to @marnanel for the inspiration)
I bet they don't make rocking horse commodes,
Although they might be a tremendous boon
To one who has a need to dump their load
On shipboard, where there is no "smallest room".
The vessel, as it rocks upon the waves,
Is certain to upset a normal po,
And most are not so agile, nor so brave,
To balance on the gunwale when they go:
To clutch the shrouds, precariously half-nude,
And wonder how it ever came to this,
Straining to finish ere some billow lewd
Should favour one with great Poseidon's kiss.
So let me perch on rockers, give to me
That inverse-pendulum stability.
Amesbury poisoning incident: This is a screenshot of the tweet from @SwindonFireRDS with the photo of a support truck attending the poisoning of Dawn Sturgess and Charlie Rowley. I am reposting it here because the original tweet has been deleted to support the moronic attempt to deceive the public into believing this was a nerve agent attack. I'm amazed that people are stupid enough to believe that, but then I'm always amazed how stupid the things people believe are, and the government are undoubtedly counting on that. It was flaming bloody obvious from the first official reports on the Skripal incident that it was fuck all to do with the Russian government, after all; no need to have been "influenced by Russian propaganda", the conclusion follows inevitably from reading only the British propaganda and observing what a fatuous load of obvious bollocks it is.
The tweet text is: 77 mile round trip for our Operational Support Unit last night to Amesbury. Thankfully the incident wasn't serious and our decontamination shower wasn't required.
The text accompanying the photo itself is: Incident at Amesbury's Archers Gate - 8.56pm 30th June 2018 - Updated 9.48am (I think) 1st July 2018
An incident in the Kings Gate area of Amesbury on Saturday evening (June 30th) is thought to have been a drug-related medical episode.
More than 10 emergency vehicles arrived on the scene from police, ambulance and fire service.
A number of roads around the estate were closed for a time, but re-opened within a couple of hours.
[Small photo of housing estate with barrier of police tape] [Large photo of what appears to be a 26t 6x2 curtain-side lorry with a forklift on the back although cropped so you can't actually see the forklift itself, in red with signwriting "Fire & Rescue Service" "Operational Support"]
7:48 AM - 1 Jul 2018
I thought this classic Viz postcard could do with being a bit easier to find:
Stupid House Shit from an advert in the local paper which I happened to see just before I wiped my arse on it... Some tit is selling a house for 250k-odd and describing it as "an investment" because you can rent it out for what comes to about 5k a year after tax. This is supposed to be bloody great, for some reason.
FUCKSAKE. 5k is 1/50th of 250k. You CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS unless you've already had 5k a year that you don't know what to do with for 50 fucking years so you've been able to accumulate 250k in the first place. And if you do happen to have 250k just lying around, unless you expect to live for more than 50 years then it's more than 5k a year just spending it. So basically it works out that either you spend most of your life trying to pile up 250k and pissing it all up the wall just before you die, or having 250k already and throwing it in a hole and taking a bit back each year so there's still a lot left when you die and that lot is wasted, or somewhere in between the two. Either way it's a fucking stupid way of wasting all or most of 250k just so you can feel like a property magnate or whatever moronic attraction it is that this idiotic behaviour has for people.
And all these fucking "investment" things are like this, whether they're about houses or not. You need a metric shitload of money that takes most of your life to accumulate before you can even start, and you get a comparative dribble back so that you're bound to be dead before it amounts to more than a fraction of what you wasted on it in the first place, so there is just no fucking point doing it at all. What the fuck is it with people? Do they actually genuinely not understand that they are going to die and therefore simply don't realise they're never going to get back most of what they put in, or is it just that having fuckloads of times more money than you know what to do with causes your brain to degenerate so you do really stupid things with it? And if it's the latter why don't they at least find something beneficially stupid to do with it, like going up in a balloon and scattering notes over the town or something? Fucking thick bastard rich cunts or what.
Christians, Muslims, and Jews, we may differ on the details, but we all believe in the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob. Therefore we should sort out the mess left by British/French/Ottoman imperialism in peace and unity under the same God. Not fight over it.
Amusing Diesel Memory: a Lister-Petter AD1, driving a generator. "It's getting a bit hot", they said. It was, rather - exhaust glowing red...
Turned out what had happened was some cack had got into the sump, and been drawn into the oil pump. This promptly seized solid and chewed the teeth off its drive gear. The chewed-off teeth then got carried round into the next driven gear round, and smashed that up too. That was the governor drive. So the governor thought the engine wasn't moving, and not only did it wind the fuelling up to maximum, but once the engine had been stopped and started again it never even clicked off the excess-fuel starting setting. And there the thing was going like absolute stink, pumping in as much fuel as it possibly could, and with no forced lubrication. No idea how fast it was going - when I put a rev counter to it it was off the scale. No wonder it was getting a bit hot.
Amazingly, it needed remarkably little doing to it. Obviously the oil pump and smashed gears needed replacing, and also the governor drive shaft which had got bent, but there was very little on top of that. Just cleaning out all the bits of metal and replacing the shell bearings (and if you were a total fucking cheapskate you might even have got away with reusing them, at least for a little while). Bloody tough things those engines. If only the cowling was as robust as the insides...
STUPID TV SHIT: having the reporters who present the news from Parliament actually physically standing outside the bloody place. Shouting to make themselves heard over the traffic noise and the wind blowing into the microphone, and quite likely in the pissing rain as well. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING POINT? Just get the poor sods to say their words inside the studio like the rest of the news presenters do. That way you can hear them properly and it's also a fuck of a lot easier than having the reporter plus camera crew and equipment trog all the way to the HP to make a shitty recording in the rain. And if they must have the HP as a backdrop they can always fucking bluescreen it in for fuck's sake. Like, in fact, they always used to do before they got this fucking stupid idea. Twats.
BURPUT? Where the fuck is Burput? It's Bridport, apparently. It doesn't say this on Google. Well, it will now.
Why So Frail? ...I am referring to people in old books. Victorian books, mostly, although twentieth-century books also feature instances of the phenomenon, with decreasing frequency as date of authorship advances.
Someone goes outside, with some compelling reason to remain outdoors for some time, and it's mucky weather, so they get cold and wet. It's not very pleasant, but these things happen. Then they finish whatever they were doing, come back inside again, get warm and dry, and are perfectly all right. That's the normal course of events. Quite simple, perfectly straightforward, nothing at all unexpected there. I've done it myself loads of times.
Except in old books this doesn't happen. What happens instead is they come back inside and catch a chill. What the fuck is a chill? Some malady that strikes several hours after an experience of being cold and wet, apparently. Except this doesn't fucking happen. We all know this because we've all got cold and wet and not been struck by a chill afterwards, or any other mysterious weird illness for that matter. We can probably identify the word as something our grans used to warn us would happen if we got cold and wet and we used to laugh at them because we knew perfectly well it never did. (They probably got the idea from reading all those old gran-age books.) And by the same token, we still don't know what a chill actually is because real people never have it.
Of course the reason old books do that is that it's a convenient way of having some character unexpectedly and suddenly put out of action for a few weeks, or indeed quite often permanently (either because they die of it or it sends them loopy). Like "consumption" is another handy way of taking some character out of the story, in cases where the plot requires the event not to be sudden or unexpected. Except that one makes sense, because "consumption" is tuberculosis and in the days before antibiotics and vaccines to treat it people did indeed die of it all the time. It's entirely legitimate to have as many of your characters die of tuberculosis as you want, including whole families getting wiped out by it one by one, because that sort of thing happened all the time in real life so it's no strain on the imagination when you have it happening in fiction as well.
But this chill thing, that knocks you right down - and often fatally - some hours after you've finished with getting cold and wet, what the fuck is the real life justification for having that happen all the fucking time? It's not actual hypothermia, which knocks you down while you still are getting cold and wet (or else right after before you've had time to warm up again); it's something that happens after a lapse of several hours so you've warmed up again long ago. And in any case they seem to know fine about hypothermia and generally describe it pretty accurately. Nor can it be just a snooty-arsed Victorian word for a "cold" because the symptoms don't match. Having a temperature and feeling exhausted/dizzy so you go to bed, those happen; snot, sneezes, coughs, dribbling noses and the like do not.
Of course "cold" is also a fucking stupid name for that entirely real disease for much the same reasons: it's got fuck all to do with low temperatures. There's nothing cold about having a cold. And you don't fucking catch it from being cold either. You catch it from other people who already have colds and do not have the decency to keep their snot-spraying infectious bodies in isolation until it wears off, but instead insist on coming into work anyway to sit blearily around doing nothing effective apart from aerosolising their viruses for every other cunt to inhale and come down with the same fucking thing. You catch it from contact with the live virus, not from the fucking weather. If anything cold weather helps you not catch it, because the virus doesn't survive that long outside the human body in any case and coldness helps kill it off all the faster. You just have to avoid the temptation to escape the cold weather by spending more time shut in a box with germy fuckers.
Possibly the most pointless thing I have ever constructed...
MORE STUPID BOLLOCKS from the "Leave EU" cunts... This stupid headline: "£150 million is now being dished out from the healthcare budget in foreign aid."
That figure refers to the 2016/2017 contribution from the Department of Health to the ODA (Official Development Assistance) international development fund. The budget for the NHS for 2016/2017 is 120 Billion pounds. So that 150 million amounts to less than half a day's worth, and is even more trivial than the 350 million they plastered over their stupid bus and then admitted was a lie the morning after the referendum.
It does NOT mean that an extra 150 million is taken from the Department of Health budget. The way it works is that money spent to certain ends under certain conditions (see here) becomes eligible to be counted as ODA expenditure. This means things like the UK's subscription to the World Health organisation (which is fuck all to do with the EU), and expenditure on health care for asylum seekers who have arrived in the UK (asylum seekers are also fuck all to do with the EU).
The ODA contribution in total from all UK sources is 12 billion pounds. This is to meet a UNITED NATIONS commitment to provide 0.7% of GDP as ODA. Again, it's fuck all to do with the EU.
The UK does have something called an "EU attribution" for ODA, amounting to 935 million pounds in 2015 (see here). Again this does NOT mean we spend an extra 935 million on anything. All it means is that 935 million of what we would be spending anyway is allowed to be counted as part of the EU's ODA contribution. We would not be spending any less if we weren't in the EU; we'd still be spending the same, it just wouldn't be allowed to count as part of EU ODA any more.
So what do we end up with in reality? (1) That headline is so misleading and bears such a tenuous relationship to reality that the most concise description of it is "a load of arse". (2) The UK being in the EU makes not one fucking jot of difference to whether we would be spending that money or not, and for the "Leave EU" cunts to cite it as a reason for leaving is fucking bullshit on the standard pattern of lies and deception that the "Leave EU" movement relies on completely.
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CLAIM made by the "Leave EU" cunts that I have ever investigated is like this. Deliberate misrepresentation, bullshit, and outright fucking lies. EVERY FUCKING ONE. And I am fucking pissed off about my country being wrecked by this bunch of lying shitheaded bastards constantly spouting complete fucking bollocks and deceiving everyone who is too thick to check it or too gullible to think it worth the bother. Has anyone worked out how viable it would be to have the fuckers up for treason? Because as far as I can see that's the best description of fuckers who wreck their own country for some personal gain.
Look, shut up about fucking CO2. CO2 is irrelevant. The whole fucking argument about whether human activity is causing climate change is irrelevant. There are two very good reasons for getting off fossil fuels which are no cause for argument, since they are not based on bent politicised science, but on being bleeding obvious; and they have been bleeding obvious for a very long time, and still applied just as strongly when the climate thing everyone was worried about was the next ice age coming on.
One is: finite supply. The stuff won't last for ever. It won't even come remotely close to lasting as long as we currently want it to. People try and deny this but they are talking shit. Everyone knows that when you've eaten all the sweets there aren't any more. They are also talking hypocritical shit, because they're already getting into scraping the goo out of the bong territory (this is what "unconventional sources", as applied to things like oil shale (which is basically shit coal), is a euphemism for). What they're really on about is that if everyone keeps wanting oil while it becomes harder and harder to get, they stand to make shitloads of money out of it. So they can get fucked.
Humans certainly do have a terrible track record for doing bugger all about obviously impending disasters until the shit has already hit the fan and everyone is fucked. Which is all the more reason for trying to avoid the bleeding obvious disaster of running out of oil without having a system in place to take over from it. Much more sensible to develop replacement energy sources as soon as possible before you're forced to, than hang on to oil like grim death and fight wars over the final drops of it (which is what we're set to do at the moment).
Which brings us to the other reason: to stop fucking up the politics of the Middle East and all the other shit politics that result from people who want oil trying to make sure other people can't stop them getting as much as they want. Again, the desirability of this is bleeding obvious. You have to be a blind clodpoll shit-for-brains to fail to see that. Or else an arms dealer or something who's creaming off it, and they can get fucked too.
Ever wondered what Donald Trump would look like if he was a barbecued chicken with a beer can up his arse?
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